This is why people do this more than once / Rebecca

I found out pretty early on that my dream birth would not be going ahead. I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes Mellitus (GDM) which then ruled me out for a birth in the family birthing centre, I felt so much shame about it that I kept hidden it like it was a dirty secret. Why? Knowing what I know, if it was someone else I wouldn’t expect them to hide it and go through it almost alone emotionally.

I remember day I found out, I was at work when an emotional robot of a doctor called me and told me I was booked in for the education class. It was very abrupt and my brain struggled to process what was being said. When I realised this meant my GTT came back with a positive I cried in the bathroom stall at work, I didn’t know anything about GDM but I knew diabetes was bad and I felt like I had done something wrong and failed my child as a parent before he was even born. I tried to call Blake who was at work, I then texted my midwife. She called me straight away, I was a mess. During my pregnancy I ate well, I did Pilates 3 times a week, and went for regular walks so it was quite unexpected. I was in the middle of completing my Hypnobirthing course with Renae @the.birth.space when I was diagnosed. I spoke to her after class and she sent me a lot of helpful information regarding GDM, inductions and birth stories from other mums with GDM. The reason I wanted to share my story because other stories helped me get through it all and I hope to help at least one mum feel confident about their birth.

Being diagnosed with GDM meant my pregnancy was now classed as “high risk”, I was told I was going to have a big baby, that I now had a risk factor for type 2 diabetes and I that will be getting induced at 38 weeks regardless of the fact he was measuring at the third percentile. With the support of the midwives at the family birthing centre I navigated through my appointments reiterating to each doctor my wishes to wait for a spontaneous labour instead of an induction at 38 weeks. I could go on and on about the way I was treated and the roller coaster of emotions I felt at every appointment with my individual circumstances being overlooked. The compromise for waiting until 40 weeks was that I would attend the hospital every three days for CTG monitoring to make sure baby was okay. Wednesday the 3-Feb I went for my last CTG at 39+3, it was during the first COVID lockdown of 2021 and I had no support on that day. The first doctor came in to let me know everything was great with the CTG readings and again telling me the risks I’m putting my child in by not letting them induce me. I explained that I still wanted to wait until my estimated due date (Saturday) and my reasons, she understood and somewhat agreed however, my decision had to be signed off by the doctor in charge at the time. Well, this woman was INTENSE, they both returned to my room and after introducing herself she asked me to reiterate to her the reasons why they were pushing for an induction, “to make sure I fully understood the risks”. Her attitude was terrible, alone in that room with two doctors who don’t support your decisions you can’t help but start doubting yourself and your body. The doctor said, although my last scan at 36 weeks showed bub measuring at the third percentile there haven’t been anymore scans and he could have grown in size in the last 4 weeks. I asked if they were so concerned about baby’s size, why can’t we organise another ultrasound to check? I can’t even remember the excuse that was given to me, everything I suggested was thrown back at me. I ended up saying just induce me right now seeing as it was such a medical urgency, I felt so defeated. She then said the earliest they could induce me was the 6-Feb (my EDD), that was all I wanted to wait until 40 weeks, in a perfect world I would have happily waited longer.

 After, I went for a debrief with the midwives, we talked about my decision (which I felt wasn’t really my decision) and I agreed to have a stretch and sweep to try encourage my body into spontaneous labour before my induction date, my deadline as I saw it. Well that did not go to plan, my cervix was so closed that the S&S was unable to be done, so I headed home crying the whole way. The days following I did EVERYTHING I could to try induce myself, I was listening to the hypnobirthing tracks on repeat, hand expressing over 10MLs of colostrum a day, bouncing on my ball, curb walking, drinking 4-6 cups of raspberry leaf tea a day, sex and nothing.

I would lay in bed at night, listening to my hypnobirthing tracks repeating over and over to myself “I will go into labour tonight, I am ready to meet my baby”. As the deadline drew closer we decided it was probably time to let our parents know we were booked in, hormonal me could barely get the words out without crying, feeling like a failure. I struggled to let go of the negativity I was feeling.

Estimated due date:

They told me that inductions can take up to a week and to pack accordingly. Saturday rolled around and Blake and I spent the day together just enjoying our last day with just us two. We arrived at my appointment time to be told they couldn’t take me just yet and I could wait in the waiting room or come back in an hour, (so much for urgently needing to be induced). We went to get some food, walked around the hospital and returned an hour later to be told they are still waiting for a bed to become available. Once we got a bed, I was placed on the CTG, the midwife asked if I was feeling any tightenings or anything. When she mentioned it I could kind of feel something but nothing significant, she said it looked like I was having regular tightenings but if I can’t feeling it it mustn’t be anything.

Another check of my cervix and I was sitting at 2cms, still pretty closed so I was advised they were going to start with Cervidil to ripen my cervix to begin the induction. It was explained that it works over 12 hours, if there hasn’t been much change after 12 hours they would leave it in for another 12 hours, before trying other methods of induction. Paperwork was completed, cervidil was inserted and we waited for my overnight bed. We were told once I was in my room and settled Blake would have to leave and could return the next day during visiting hours and that he was only allowed to stay so late because they were running behind schedule. 10pm I got to my room, got settled, said goodnight and goodbye to Blake and made myself comfortable. I ordered my meals for the next day, and put on a movie.

Around midnight I started feeling cramping in my back, I put it down to the cervidil and switched everything off, turned on my hypnobirthing tracks and tried to go to sleep to block out the pain. Well, that didn’t work the pain continued growing and getting worse, eventually I decided to get my TENS machine out and managed to place two electrodes onto my lower back. Some time passed and I called a midwife, I did not know what was happening, the midwife in charge arrived and I asked “is the cervidil meant to hurt this much?” She asked “how frequent are the pains? “ Thankfully, my TENS machine had a timer with the boost button I was able to see that I was getting waves of pain every 1 minute lasting 40 seconds, at this point I was still convinced it was all due to the cervidil and definitely did not think I was in labour. The nurse responded, “oh I’m sure it just feels like it’s every minute”, I showed her my TENS and explained that it was technically a timer too. She said she would come back in a bit to check me and take the cervidil out, not even mentioning that I could possibly be in labour. I was still trying to get some sleep in between everything happening.

What happened next was a bit of a blur, being alone I struggle to remember the exact timeline of how it all happened. If I recall correctly, the nurse in charge came back, removed the cervidil, and checked me. I then thought that would be the end of the pain and I could get some proper sleep. I don’t know what I was thinking, but still I didn’t even register that I could be in labour, the pain continued. I know I was quite loud, looking back I should have put both sets of electrodes on but I was too worried that if I put the TENS machine on completely that it wouldn’t work properly when I was in actual labour plus my birth partner was not there to put them on for me. At this point I couldn’t sit or lie down, eventually I asked for an exercise ball, I thought that might be more comfortable to sit on but I couldn’t get comfortable, I tried all the positions and standing and leaning over the chair was the only comfortable position. Another midwife came in to check on me, she was so lovely and asked if I had tried getting in the shower. What an absolute angel because that shower on my back was the most amazing feeling, I think it was at this point I started thinking maybe I was in early labour.  

The midwife in charge came back and said she needed to do a VE, I asked (begged) if she could do it while I was standing she said that I needed to be on the bed it was the only way she could check me. Reluctantly, I got on the bed and she started checking. At this point I definitely knew I was in labour, I could feel another surge coming and I knew I needed to be standing to get through it and I asked her to please stop and I crocodile rolled away and off the bed. When it passed, she said I was 6cms dilated and that they were going to move me to birth suite around 7am and suggested I call Blake. It was just after 5am I texted him, asked him if he was awake and if he could come to the hospital as I couldn’t do this alone anymore. I realised at the time how loud I was, I felt so bad for everyone trying to sleep and tried to keep my sounds low while still using my voice to help me through each surge.

Another midwife came to check on me, at this stage I noticed I had lost my plug and I told her. She said they would do another VE at 6am, I decide to check myself and I said to her, “I feel a head”. This what also around the time I started transitioning and thought “why the f*** would someone want to do this more than once, you have got to be insane”.

Well, everything kicked into action. The midwives came rushing back saying they had a birth suite and they were taking me through now and asked if I had anyone coming to be with me for the birth, I let them know Blake was on his way and I was told to grab my phone but not to worry about taking anything else I didn’t need, someone would bring my bags later and just get some clothing on so they could wheel me through. I threw on my nightie and asked to walk because the thought of sitting down terrified me but I was told it will be quicker in the wheelchair and to try not have a contraction on the way.

On the way through the midwife let me know they had the shower started for me, I was anxious about Blake getting there on time the reality of how quick it was happening hitting me all at once and I worried he would not be able to find me. When we got to the door of the birthing suite I didn’t even wait for them to cross the threshold, I jumped up and pulled my clothes off in one swift motion and nearly ran toward the sound of the running water. Eventually Blake got there around 6.15am, I didn’t realise how much I was holding on waiting for him, I could finally relax a bit. He asked where my earphones were and if I wanted him to go back to the other room and get them for my hypnobirthing tracks, my exact words were “if you leave me, I will kill you”. Blake let me know that my midwife was on her way, the midwife on duty at the time seemed so stressed, she was asking me to do something at one point and I yelled at the poor lady “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING TO ME” she spoke louder, “JUST BREATHE”. In my head I thought, what does it look like I’m doing. My midwife arrived and things calmed down a bit, having someone you’ve connected with during your whole pregnancy is something else. She brought such calming vibes to that bathroom, she knew my birth plan, to let my body do what it needed to do, kept the room quiet, checked bubs heart rate without asking me to leave the glorious shower and as bub started crowning she let me know he was en caul and asked for my phone to take pictures. She then asked Blake if he wanted to catch bub, he said he did and they turned around to grab a pair of gloves, when they both turned back to me our baby was out and in my arms, I caught him at 6.45am. I think all three of us were shocked at how quickly it happened.

Golden hour/ skin to skin:

I waddled to the bed, holding our baby thinking “this is why people do this more than once”, the feeling is indescribable and not even 5 minutes after I thought to myself I can’t wait to experience that all again. I laid with him on my chest, just staring at him and my midwife dimmed the lights, setting out candles and playing some calming tracks. She said, “we didn’t really have time to set this up before, at least we can do it now”. I birthed my placenta and we laid there all three of us together at last. Another request from my birth plan was to “wait for white” so, Blake cut the umbilical cord once it stopped pulsating 30 minutes later. We were so lucky to have 3 undisturbed hours of skin to skin before all the formalities, weighing, measuring etc needed to be done. It was around then Blake and I thought we should probably name him, “baby” just wasn’t cutting it. We agreed Khai was a fitting name and let our family know.

Post birth feels:

My birth was recorded spontaneous according to my paperwork, my first stage of labour was recorded at 3 hours and 15 minutes and my second stage (pushing) was recorded at 15 minutes, total time 3 hours and 30 minutes with no gas or drugs and no further interventions required. The techniques for breathing and keeping a positive mindset learnt through Hypnobirthing Australia really helped me through each contraction, and “breathing my baby out”. I still remember visualising my baby descending with each breath out. In the end I felt invincible and had a pretty amazing birth experience. I was told to be prepared, that if I have any more births they most likely will be quicker, I wouldn’t wish such a quick birth on anyone, my body didn’t have time to stretch and the tearing is no joke. Birthing is a marathon not a sprint.

I’m no medical professional however, I constantly wonder if my diagnosis was correct as I was .1 over in my test and I accidentally fell asleep during my test but I was told there’s no such thing as borderline. I had our baby at full term (40+1) weighing in at 2.92kgs and a healthy placenta, I have cried at the thought of if I was induced at 38 weeks. My birth experience would have gone a lot differently and it’s likely that Khai would have been so so tiny and possibly ended up in the NICU. I am thankful Hypnobirthing Australia for reminding me to trust intuition and education which helped me make informed decisions that were right for me and my baby, I don’t think I could have gotten through it all without Blake supporting me and trusting me and my body. Part of me cannot wait to experience it all again, birth included but the fear of testing positive for GDM and being ruled out for continuity of care and having to go through the emotional battles through a broken hospital system again scares me.